Funzze recently sent me two of their new glass sex toys to review.
The 9 inch Double-Ended Glass Dildo and Glow In the Dark Glass Tentacle Dildo.
These two toys are now the top two most aesthetically pleasing dildos I have ever seen and I've seen quite a few.
Bonus points go to the Glow In the Dark Glass Tentacle Dildo since I'm a giant nerd about anything themed. Especially anything akin to Sci Fi, fantasy, monster, superhero etc
I've always wanted to channel my inner Zeus mid fuck session and exhort Gods, men and whomever I'm fucking =
RELEASE THE KRAKEN!
Speaking of giant cloaca stretching phallic appendages, a gentleman we'll call Mr J requested my presence and asked me to bring some sex toys a small but chic soiree involving himself, two nubile nymphettes and enough pharmaceuticals to fuel a bender of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas proportions.
I do not partake in substances but I'm happy to partake in nymphettes.
As for sex toys, The 9 inch Double-Ended Glass Dildo and Glow In the Dark Glass Tentacle Dildo, were sure to get the party started.
Mr J wanted cuckolding. Say no more. I was on a Limebike faster than you can say "I’m not the pheasant plucker, I’m the pheasant plucker’s son. I’m only plucking pheasants til the pheasant plucking’s done."
It was the hottest day of the year, and Mr. J had rented a chic AirBnB with a mezzanine bedroom—a windowless, sauna-like space that would soon become the setting for an unforgettable six-hour marathon of lust.
When I arrived, it was clear that Mr. J had already started his "party." His words flowed in an endless stream of fantasies, kinks, and desires, painting a vivid tapestry of the things that truly turned him on.
Like the House of Dragons intro but with even more incestuous sex maniacs vying for dominion over an extremely uncomfortable looking piece of furniture.
The Players
Mr J's role was that of the orchestrator, the voyeur, the cuckold who delighted in watching his petite companions being pleasured, teased, and dominated.
S and D were petite, flexible, and brimming with stamina—exactly the kind of muses Mr. J loved to direct. S, a masochist with a hunger for intensity, revelled in being pushed to her limits, while D, with her deep-throating prowess, could wrap herself around any challenge thrust her way. Mr. J, of course, was more than content to watch as I took control, his eyes never leaving the scene for a second.
The Toys
Knowing how stiflingly hot the room would become, I made a strategic decision before the action kicked off. I popped my two new glass acquisitions into the freezer: the 9-Inch Double-Ended Glass Dildo and the Glow-in-the-Dark Glass Tentacle Dildo from Funzze. In the back of my mind, I knew these toys would bring more than just pleasure—they would offer a brief respite from the oppressive heat. And I was right.
As the session began, I took my time exploring the bodies of S and D, alternating between tender touches and firm grips, bending them into pretzel-like shapes that showcased their flexibility. Mr. J was in heaven, his running commentary a mix of praise, banter, and occasional commands to change positions or intensify the pace. He loved seeing the girls held down, my hands wrapped around their wrists or the weight of my body pressing them into the mattress.
When I sent D to retrieve the chilled toys, she returned with not just the glass dildos but also one of those aerosol cans filled with spring water—a touch of cooling relief she must have found while rummaging in the fridge. After a quick spritz for Mr. J, S, and myself, the real fun began.
The Experience
The cold glass against hot skin was electric. S and D moaned in unison as I slid the Double-Ended Glass Dildo between them, the contrast between their heated bodies and the icy toy heightening every sensation. S, ever the masochist, begged for more as I alternated between deep thrusts and shallow teases, her small frame shivering with the intensity of it all.
D, meanwhile, was in her element with the Tentacle Dildo, the glow-in-the-dark design adding a surreal, almost otherworldly vibe to the scene. Her deep-throating skills were put to good use as she alternated between pleasuring me and riding the toy, her petite body quivering with every wave of pleasure.
For Mr. J, the sight was everything he had dreamed of. His obsession with size comparisons—between my larger frame and the petite girls—was fully satisfied as he watched me press them into contorted positions, their limbs entwined as I drove them to the edge again and again. He was relentless in his demands, pushing for more intensity, more passion, more everything. And I was happy to oblige.
The Aftermath
After what felt like countless orgasms, S and D collapsed onto the bed, their bodies spent but satisfied. Mr. J, still naked and basking in the afterglow of his voyeuristic high, made one final request: a cumshot on both girls' perky, sweat-slicked chests. It was the perfect end to the session, a final release that left all three of us—S, D, and myself—glistening and grinning in the sweltering heat.
As we moved out onto the balcony to cool off, the city lights twinkling below, Mr. J lit a joint and finally fell silent, the haze of the evening settling over us all. For him, this session would be a memory to cherish, a fantasy fulfilled, and one he would undoubtedly revisit in his mind for years to come.
The Funzze glass dildos were the unsung heroes of the night, their icy touch a perfect counterpoint to the feverish heat of the room.
I have a feeling S and D will both be browsing the Funzze site one day very soon and could end up with some glass toys in their shopping baskets.
As for me, I'll be keeping a stash of those spring water spritz cans handy for future sessions.
Aussie MILF, Luci Powers, has a scintillating review of the Glass Tentacle Dildo on YouTube.
Some Tech Specs
The 9 inch Double-Ended Glass Dildo and Glow In the Dark Glass Tentacle Dildos are constructed from borosilicate glass. Stronger and far more resistant to breaking, chipping, cracking, shattering etc. All things you obviously don't want to happen to something that's going to be inserted into delicate body parts.
Borosilicate glass is also more resilient to temperature changes so heat up and cool down these toys to your hearts content.
Obviously, being glass, they are waterproof, hypoallergenic, body safe, chemically neutral and non-porous.
For everyday cleaning a mild soap and water is fine.
If you really want them hospital grade disinfected, 10% bleach solution works.
Or you can pour boiling water over them from the kettle.
Storing them in the drawstring satin pouches provided is ideal. Best not to store toys in anything non breathable or they can get smelly.
I spoke about the joys of rigid dildos for prostate or G-spot stimulation in my Silver Surfer review of the Funzze Double-ended Stainless Steel Dildo.
The Silver Surfer is elegance in simplicity. It's weighty heft is something everyone should experience first hand. But toolboxes contain multiple tools for a reason. How does that quote go?
If your only tool is a hammer, you'll just go around nailing everything you can get your hands on?
The 9 inch Double-Ended Glass Dildo and Glow In the Dark Glass Tentacle Dildo, share some of the Silver Surfers best qualities and are also highly versatile in having contours, ridges, knobbly bits which create diverse and wondrous possibilities for new and splendiferous ways to stimulate your wet, meaty orifices.
Do so. Much and more.
