Kelsey Borreson from Huffpost contacted me last week to interview me for an article on BDSM for Beginners.
Here's the unedited interview=
How do you define BDSM?
The accepted definition = BDSM is a combination of the abbreviations B/D (Bondage and Discipline), D/s (Dominance and submission), and S/M (Sadism and Masochism).
In practice, BDSM play is different for everyone. It depends what you're into. And what you're into today and how you want to play it might be completely different to yesterday or 5 minutes ago. So I think rigid definitions and highly prescriptive rules about how things should be done are counter-productive to enjoying BDSM. Just do it in a way that's safe, consensual and fun and do it the way you and your partner(s) feel like doing it.
I'm a male escort and Pro Dom. I specialise in sessions with couples, duos with female and TS escorts and duos with Pro Dommes. As a Pro dom, how I play depends on what my client requests so I can be a completely different style of Dom from one session to the next.
I definitely have a natural sadistic streak so I do love to get clients who want to explore pleasure and pain. I'm caring as a Dom which isn't as contradictory as it sounds. I think to really take someone to their limits and give them the best possible BDSM session you do have to really care about them, their wants and needs and be very tuned in to how they're feeling from one moment to the next.
Sessions where a client books a duo with myself and a Pro Domme often involve forced-bi or cuckolding.
**See my answers from a previous Huffpost interview on 6 Of The Most Common Sexual Fantasies, According To Sex Workers.
Forced bi: single male submissive clients who want to be "forced" by a Mistress to suck, and/or get fucked by, a male escort. A typical client would be the regular client of a Mistress. eg He's been visiting her regularly for months or years and doing roleplays where he imagines scenarios with him sucking cock or taking one up his ass. He's taken toys and strap ons and eventually plucks up the courage to try the real thing (many fitting this description claim never to have been with a man but then when the time comes you can tell they're actually quite experienced). The Mistress then calls me and the session happens. I'm the preferred male duo partner of dozens of mistresses in London and internationally mostly thanks to my ability to always get rock hard, stay that way for the duration and ability to cum on cue when it's time for the money shot.
Cuckolding: again this is a scene that appeals to submissive guys who are turned on by watching their Mistress having sex with a male escort. Often he's tied up and helpless. Usually some element of humiliation eg comparisons of his tiny man clit to masters huge cock. Being called a sissy, told he'll never get a chance to touch his Mistress, saying things like watch how a real man fucks etc. Sometimes cuckolding clients want to be involved eg to lick Mistress pussy and/or suck master's cock, some want to be told to clean up cum afterwards with their tongue. Others just watch. Some jerk off while they watch. Others are in forced chastity eg a cock cage and aren't allowed to touch themselves until the end of the session so it's more about giving up control and the anticipation.
Some cuckolding and forced bi sessions also involve more familiar elements of BDSM play like, ropes, gags, impact play eg spanking or caning but not all of them.
I have regulars who are into bondage so I have a collection of ropes and cuffs at my own incall location and I've studied a lot of ropework over the years. Often by watching videos to learn new ties.
Many of the Mistresses I do duos with have their own dungeons and I also use hourly rental dungeons for 1-1 sessions with clients.
I sometimes receive requests from clients who want impact play sessions. Caning is popular here in UK. Many former public schoolboys love a good caning.
If someone contacted me and said they'd like a “BDSM session” without mentioning anything more specific, then I'd assume they are a complete beginner and have no idea about BDSM. Someone who's experienced would never use the term in this way. They'd tell me what exactly they'd like to do in their session with me.
I've had sessions involving cuckolding, forced bi, bondage, spanking, caning, other impact play toys like floggers, paddles, belt etc wrestling, Double domination with myself and a Mistress, Sessions where a client has booked multiple Mistresses, Pro Doms, male, female and transsexual Escorts and Pro Subs and various combinations of the above, I've used suspension rigs, slings, swings, winches, stocks, St. Andrew's Crosses, spanking benches, cages etc, done sissification, adult baby minding, trampling, ball busting, sounding, watersports, gangbangs, Bukkake parties and many more.
What are 2 to 3 things you think someone new to BDSM should know or be aware of before they start experimenting? It could be general/practical advice or something specific to a certain activity/kink.
Consent is key. If there is no consent, it's not BDSM. It's abuse and someone is going to get hurt. Whenever I meet any new client for any type of BDSM session I chat with them before we start any kind of play and ask if they have any limits, anything they especially want to happen or don't want to happen, have they done this before, what did they like about it, any great experiences, any bad experiences. I get as much info as I can so I can make the best session possible for them. I generally don't use safewords unless we're doing a roleplay involving non-consent eg some kind of rape fantasy where they'll be saying “no” “stop” etc.
The most important thing is to have good communication. You won't necessarily know exactly what you like/dislike until you try it. Trying something and finding it's not for you isn't a disaster. I think it's much better to have as wide a variety of experiences as possible in life. In all things. Not just BDSM. With BDSM, I recommend you try anything and everything. Explore every kink you can imagine and all sorts of kinks you can't imagine but find out about online or via someone more experienced. All good fun opportunities to maybe find some fetish that's perfect for you. Or something you enjoy at the time but don't feel the need to repeat. Or sometimes you try something and it's not for you. No harm done. So long as you can communicate with whoever you're playing with so it's clear that you're loving what's happening and want more or you're struggling and need to ease up or you're in distress and want to stop immediately.
As a Pro Dom, the worst case scenario for me is that someone might keep quiet and endure something they're hating because they think it would be a failure to quit. I always do my best to make it clear before I start any kind of BDSM session that it's fine if they want to ease up or take a break or change their mind about what we're doing or how we're doing it or to stop at any point, just let me know. And I'm always keeping a close eye out for any sign in their expression and body language that they might not be having fun. And I ask people often how they're going.
For someone who is new to the world of BDSM, what's a good way to get started and/or ease into it?
Tying people up and hitting them are activities that can go badly wrong if you don't know what you're doing.
Easing into it is definitely the approach to take.
Please do plenty of research into whatever you're planning to do before you do it.
Fetish Club nights can be great fun. If you go to Torturegarden and watch their stage shows you'll see all sorts of BDSM play elevated into a work of art. And if you go into their dungeon rooms you'll see people of different levels of experience at play, get some idea of what you like the look of, see how more experienced kinksters do it, maybe play in public. or go to a private room or make new friends and arrange to meet up and play elsewhere.
London Alternative Market is great for shopping for kinky outfits and toys and for meeting new people.
I recommend joining Fetlife. Their events listings are a great way to find out what's going on near you. eg Munches. These are meetups for kinky people to meet at a non kinky venue. There's no play at a munch but you can always make new friends there and get together in private, or in public at a kinkier venue.
Anything else you'd like to add?
If you decide to book a session with a Pro Dom or Domme to explore your BDSM fantasies, I recommend you choose a professional who does give the impression via their ads that they are indeed very professional eg they have their own website with a well written introduction which conveys a genuine passion for what they do, listings on dozens if not hundreds of directories, frequently updated social media, a blog where they often post quality content that they've clearly put a lot of time and effort into creating, has a lot of beautiful pictures taken by professional photographers, a history of excellent reviews, contributions on forums and interviews and articles about them on many mainstream media sites eg Me!
