I mentioned on my Molly's Top 100 Sex Blogs post that SugarButch is one of my favourite blogs and one of my New Year's resolutions was to complete a course on D/S Playground.
Featured image courtesy of Pilen.
D/S Playground is an E-Course platform started in 2014 by Sinclair Sexsmith and their boy, rife.
Sinclair is a kinky queer butch writer and editor of Best Lesbian Erotica. They've won numerous awards and always been a frequent and valued contributor to E-lust.
When Sinclair saw I'd resolved to do a D/S Playground course, they got in contact and offered me a free course in exchange for an honest review here on my blog. A generous offer which I very happily accepted.
The course is an excellent introduction to the skills involved in bondage and the psychology involved. I'm no beginner but it was valuable for me to go through the course and consider different perspectives on the how's and especially the why's of bondage.
The first exercise is a series of prompts designed to encourage reflection into ones own feelings, experiences and motives regarding bondage.
My responses to the journal prompts =
First experience with kink or bondage
My second ever girlfriend liked being manhandled and held down during sex. She confided in me that she had always fantasised about being raped. Neither of us knew anything about BDSM. This was before the internet. We had no access to any information whatsoever on BDSM and nobody to ask. I was into it too.
Long before I met her I was aware that bondage was a thing and that some people liked rough sex and spanking. Without even knowing the word dominant, I knew that was what turned me on. That was about the limit of my kink knowledge at the time.
I think we did ok considering we were just figuring it out by trial and error. I remember we did talk about things we liked and didn't like and had the word "yield" or tapping out to stop. Neither of us would have known what negotiating limits, enthusiastic consent or choosing a safeword were but it all seemed to make sense at the time.
I do remember worrying that if I encouraged her rape fantasy, she might get herself in trouble one day and I made her say she liked it rough as opposed to saying she fantasised about rape. If I had known then what I know now, we probably could have had a lot of fun with some consensual non consent role-play.
We went to a sex shop together and bought a prison style metal ankle and leg cuffs connected by chains. We had a great time playing with that thing until an amused airport security officer confiscated it.
My experience with bondage.
All of my relationships since then have involved some bondage. Some of my casual relationships too.
I started out as a sex worker 20 years ago now. I sometimes saw paying clients for a period of about 5 or 6 years as a secondary source of income whilst being in other full time employment. Then about 14 years ago I quit my last full time job and I've been a full time sex worker ever since.
One of the things that some of my clients ask for is bondage so I have made efforts to learn the ropes as it were. Mostly via watching free videos and practicing on my partners and then when I know a technique works, I use it on clients.
What being restrained does to me.
I have been restrained in the past by partners who I trusted and it was fun. More arousing than calming. But less arousing to me than tying someone up.
What restraining someone does to me.
Restraining someone I love can be very arousing or very intimate. Or both. With casual partners and clients it's more fun and physical and I take pride in how it looks and how it makes them feel.
My strategies for dealing with the discomfort of bondage?
I often test out ropes, cuffs and toys on myself to get a feel for how they will feel on others. Honestly I've never been restrained in a way that hurt. Partly because I'm not into receiving pain so I've never wanted anyone to restrain me in a painful way.
When I test out rope and implements on myself I find I have a much higher pain threshold than most of my clients. I usually tie them in such a way as to minimise any discomfort and to avoid leaving marks as many of them are going home to their wives or partners who don't know what they've been up to.
My experiences with scene overwhelm.
Early on in my career as a sex worker I accepted a job with a dominant client who wanted to spank me. He wanted to spank me by hand and then hit my ass with his belt. He wanted sex too. I agreed to the session on the condition that he understood the spanking, and especially the belt was something I was very likely to opt out of during the session.
He agreed that he'd be perfectly happy just to slap my ass a few times and see if it was something I wanted to continue with or if I wanted to stop. I found the spanking was something I could tolerate but didn't enjoy so I declined the belt and proceeded to other non BDSM activities with him for the remainder of the session.
I never accepted another job which would involve me being in any way submissive to a client. Not that it was a traumatic experience. It's just not for me.
I do a lot of duos with Mistresses and their submissive clients where I'm the "Bull". ie The client is submissive to me. I'm deferential to the Mistress and she will boss me around but doesn't get physical with me. That's as close to being submissive as I get.
My bondage fantasies.
I'd love to install a sex swing/sling here in my flat. The one I want isn't cheap and I would have to pay someone to install it in such a way that I'd be certain it was safe (not going to fall down).
The next section of the course is a video on Bondage safety for tops by Shay from Kink academy.
After the video there is another series of prompts designed to encourage personal reflection on the topics covered including tingling or numbness in limbs during bondage, nerve damage, communication, safety and how to inform your top what's happening with your body.
Here are my notes =
Have you experienced tingling or numbness in your limbs? What was it like?
Yes. I've noticed with some ties the initial tie around a body part can feel fine in terms of pressure but then the rope can come under additional tension as it's pulled around other body parts. eg a chest harness passing over the shoulder can feel fine until the end of the rope has been woven in and out of a tie that's passing around the hips and thighs and end up pulling too tight on the shoulders leading to an uncomfortable posture or numbness or tingling.
I've experienced these sensations as a bottom and top and always found it's easy enough to avoid by communicating, checking in, giving clear feedback as a bottom and asking questions, watching closely the bottom's reactions as a top.
Also, some ties seem to work better with multiple short ropes rather than one long one when tying multiple body parts.
What have you done as a rope top to stay in communication about nerve damage throughout the scene?
I check in with the bottom often. Asking how they're feeling in general and how specific parts of the tie feel. I also try to keep a close eye on their eyes and facial expression and body language. One regular likes to wear a hood with a blindfold and only his mouth showing. So without being able to see his face, I'm extra careful to ask him how everything feels.
How do you as a submissive make sure to keep your top informed of what's happening in your body?
I very rarely get restrained. When I do it's usually just some leather wrist and ankle cuffs. But if there was anything a top needed to know before restraining me, I'd tell them. And if I did feel any numbness or tingling or anything didn't feel right, I wouldn't hesitate to say so.
Write any other notes or reflection for yourself (or who you're sending it to) that you'd like to remember.
Most of my clients are men and most of them cum at the end of their session. Male psychology being what it is, they often want to jump up and run away asap after they cum. I do my best to leave enough time at the end of their hour to give them some basic aftercare. I offer them water, get them to stand up slowly and check that they're ok to get in the shower. Then I tell them to sit back down and wait until they're ready if they're still a bit wobbly.
One of my duo partners recently told our client what to do if he experienced sub drop after leaving. I liked that and I'll start saying something similar to some of my clients.
The next unit is on Bondage Erotica.
“Tart Cherry” by Kathleen Delaney-Adams is written from a femme perspective with a butch lover using he and him pronouns. The protagonist has a rope fetish and attends a play party where different scenes are happening.
None of the scenes or players quite match with her own desires until she meets the butch rope top of her dreams. The ensuing rope bondage and sex scene is written with a lot of attention to the details of the feelings, smells, sounds and sensuality from the perspective of a rope fetishist.
I liked how the top makes establishing consent into a part of play by making the bottom say "I want this" out loud. Combining getting consent and teasing a shy sub by making them say something out loud, is definitely relevant to my interests!
Making someone tidy up for me as part of play could also be fun. In the story he makes her store his ropes for him the way he likes it. As I mentioned earlier, most of my clients are men so playtime is over when they cum but with the right person, I'd consider doing this.
Next there's a video by Madison Young on rope fetish.
Madison talks a lot about types of rope (jute, hemp, coconut, silk, bamboo, cotton). I've never tried coconut. Sounds like fun. I might order some. Looks scratchy. In a good way.
Lee Harrington talks about approaching bondage as a bottom.
Lee provides some great tips on how to prepare before a scene and different communication styles before, during and after.
I always ask clients if there's anything they can't do, or don't like to do, any limits or boundaries, anywhere they don't like to be touched etc.
Lee also mentions asking whether there's any body part that doesn't bend or stretch a certain way and asking if they have asthma so they can keep a puffer nearby.
All presented from the perspective of a bottom but great stuff to think about as a top too.
There's a chapter on self-bondage.
I'll refer back to this next time I see a regular of mine who I know likes to tie himself up. I'd like to compare notes on his experiences with the material here.
Sinclair shows us a two column tie for wrists and ankles using a handkerchief.
I had a client right after watching this and immediately used the same tie. I've been doing all sorts of column ties for years. This is a great one for tying with soft fabric. With rope I'd usually use a lot more length than this. But with the hanky it's a very neat and simple tie.
I highly recommend the D/S Playground Bondage E-Course to anyone looking to expand on their understanding of the how's and why's of bondage from the perspective of tops and bottoms alike.
There's a great variety of perspectives from experts with in depth knowledge and understanding of the subject. Everything is presented clearly and concisely. The journal prompts are a great way to engage with the material presented in the course.
The stated purpose of the course is to enable you to be better able to communicate what you’re looking for and desire — which greatly increases your chances of having it!
I think the course absolutely achieves this. Sign up here if you'd like to know more about bondage, discipline, service and sensation.
