Funzze recently bestowed upon me a Double-ended Stainless Steel Dildo in exchange for an unbiased review.
Cover image courtesy of Riyadh Cassiem.
10 points for Gryffindor if you can identify all 10 movie misquotes.
I'm sure the contents of my toy box wake up whenever I leave the room and go on adventures together like in Toy Story. The Funzze contingent now consisting of Sucky Ducky, The Hammerpede, Thruster, Unicorn and now this latest addition. Funzze Double-ended Stainless Steel Dildo. To be dubbed henceforth, The Silver Surfer. As one little deep space distressed terraformer once said when she wasn't talking about my toy collection, (1) "Mostly they come out at night. Mostly."
With no motors, no vibrations, no thrusting, no self warming, no suction and not so much as a vac-u-loc, the Silver Surfer is a veritable luddite in the world of sex toys. But what a pretty Luddite. Fully submersible stainless steel hasn't been this sexy since Sean Connery said (2) "Shubmarines don't react well to bulletsh."
At just under half a kilo and 10.5 inches in length, Silver Surfer is about the same weight as a pipe wrench or a D lock. Double the weight of an equivalent sized silicone dildo. In a zombie apocalypse the Silver Surfer would make a superior melee weapon to a wrench or a D Lock. Not to mention a silicone dildo. (3) "Groovy!"
Buy one.
It will last forever. No other toy could possibly match the Silver Surfer for durability unless you get hold of the Koh-i-Noor diamond and buff it into a rude and amusing shape. A buttplug perhaps. Surgical grade sterilisation of your non porous, body safe, chemically inert Silver Surfer is just a kettle full of boiling water away. Or pop it in the dishwasher. Or if your lair is built in an active volcano, spritz it with some ** gestures villainously with baby finger ** (4) "liquid hot MAGma."
As your preeminent sexologist, I advise you to warm up your Silver Surfer with the hot tap to get it to body temperature. But no hotter. It will feel hotter on your vajayjay, or your chocolate starfish, (if you'll excuse the scientific jargon), than on your fingers. (5) "As your attorney, I advise you to drive at top speed and it will be a goddamn miracle if we get to the Funzze shop before you turn into some kind of wild animal."
My friend Charlotte agreed to test out the Silver Surfer for me. I left Charlotte with my tripod and ring light set up so she could spend some quality time with her new friend.
They got along famously.
With a little help from my Doxxy bullet vibrator, the Silver Surfer worked G spot stimulating magic and had Charlotte in conniptions. She found that far from being cumbersome or unwieldy, the Silver surfer is an implement of ergonomic design perfection. The heft, curve and weight distribution are flawless. Either of the round ball ends can be easily gripped from any angle. No matter how wet the wetness and no matter how lubey the lubrication. Silver Surfer's inserted ball is always unerring in it's precision targeting of the G spot.
Using it's own weight and minimal exertion just the right level of pressure can be applied with almost effortless consistency. I'm paraphrasing. Charlotte was lying in a giant puddle of pussy juice and couldn't really form coherent sentences when I got home. But I think that's what she meant to say. I couldn't have asked for a better toy testing accomplice. Charlotte's a babe. As a hard but fair drill sergeant once yelled. (6) "She looks like she could suck a golf ball through a garden hose. Like the kind of gal who'd fuck a person in the ass, and not even have the courtesy to give him a reacharound."
I introduced the Silver Surfer to my own butthole last night.
Magnificent. I almost had my very first assgasm. Finding the perfect angle and amount of pressure to delight my prostate was easy with the small ball gripped in my left hand. The big ball only needed to be gently gestured up and inward in a come hither motion half an inch upward and the exact same movement in reverse. Repeated as necessary. The weight and density of the toy makes it so easy to aim, grip and move. The rigidity of the toy is perfectly comfortable because of how smooth it is. The same rigidity means that every precise movement imparted against the end you're gripping, translates across it's fulcrum into an equal and opposite movement of the other end. Unlike a soft, floppy toy where the movements are far more unpredictable and random. This design makes the toy infallible once it's on target. You have to try it to understand how easy it is to hit the spot with this toy.
You barely need to exert any force at all to move it. Just the slightest flex of the wrist and then let gravity and the suction of your own vacuum sealed sphincter pull back. Over and over. I found the actual prostate orgasm tantalisingly near but elusive. So I alternated edging my cock and my prostate until I was so close that I was going over the finish line one way or the other. Subsequent trials of this toy are necessitated to further understanding of assgasms (7) "for make benefit glorious nation of Kazakhstan."
Whether your orifice of choice involves a Silver Surfer dildo shoulder deep in your Orion belt. Or glittering in the darkness of your Tannhäuser Gate, you're going to get (8) "lost in time" masturbating with this toy. The unique curvature allows for targeted stimulation, which can lead to intense orgasms, squirting, assgasms. Things you wouldn't believe.
Let me know if you want assistance targeting your P spot or G spot with this toy.
Happy to help. As Jack's inflamed sense of rejection once said, (9) "It's a question of etiquette. As I pass, do I give you the Silver Surfer up the ass, or the crotch?"
When I buy my own dungeon I'll have two of these. One for the toy collection and another one for the door handle.
It's a deceptively simple looking design but I think Funzze has really excelled themselves with this one. The Silver Surfer might not have the bells and whistles of some feature heavy modern sex toys. But it doesn't need them. As far as form and function go, this is now one of my favourite toys. The Silver Surfer and I are going to have a whole lot of fun together. And have fun in a whole lot of holes together. Like one abiding dude who treats objects like women said. (10) "There's, you know, a lot of ins, a lot of outs, a lotta what have yous."
Watch Vera Wylde's review on youtube for more information.
Buy your very own Funzze Silver Surfer Double-ended Stainless Steel Dildo today!
