A rubber ducky shaped clit sucking toy, nicknamed Sucky Sucky, recently winged its way to chez Oz courtesy of Funnze.
Sucky ducky soon had Hellga yodelling like Pippi Long Stocking.
Hellga's a fan of a long soak in the bath and what better to enhance her bathing experience than a yellow silicone sex toy shaped like a cute ducky that can suck on, and lick, her clitoris?
She actually prefers the suck function without the licking.
A sentiment echoed by a woman client who came to visit me.
Naturally, sucky ducky was thoroughly disinfected between one clit and the next.
The joys of medical grade silicone. Non porous. 100% safe to be shared by multiple partners after a good wash with antibacterial soap and hot water, a rinse, a squirt of antibacterial spray, another rinse and a few hours air drying before being stored in it's felt pouch away from heat, moisture and light. In this case, inside the giant trunk suitcase I use for storing my ever growing collection of sex toys.
Please note that it is mandatory when introducing Sucky Ducky to a new partner to say “I tawt I taw a puddy tat!” in your best Tweety Bird voice before thrusting him tongue first between her legs.
Funzze says Sucky Ducky is waterproof with an IP65 rating.
The first digit of 6 means Ducky has the maximum possible level of protection against ingress from solid particles. The scale only goes up to a maximum of 6. The second digit in an IP rating is for protection from liquids on a scale of 1 to 9.
Ip65 means it's completely dust proof and ok to spray the device from any direction with water jets.
Full immersion up to one metre usually requires an IP rating of at least 7.
The Funzze website does say Sucky Ducky is rated for prolonged use in water and can be played with when taking a bath or shower.
As a man of science, it behoved me to undertake aquatic resilience testing under controlled experimental conditions.
So Hellga jumped in the bath with Sucky Ducky and confirmed via the most rigorous methods that Ducky is indeed built to withstand shallow submersion.
Maybe don't send him to explore the Titanic but in a few inches of warm bathwater, he's fine.
Sucky Ducky was missing one small thing. Well, two small things. Eyes. Seemed a shame that he couldn't express his full range of emotions so I set out to acquire some stick on googly eyes for him.
Alas, Hamley's toy store couldn't help me. Try wandering around Hamley's asking the staff if they have googly eyes. It takes a special kind of weirdo to enthusiastically demonstrate children's toys all day for a living and the special weirdos didn't disappoint in responding to my question by making funny googly eye faces for me.
So I tried the haberdashery at John Lewis where they are far more serious and sensible and looked at me like I was a maniac for wanting googly eyes. There may be some merit to that hypothesis.
One last try. I was on my bike so I zoomed over to a craft supply shop in Berwick st called New Trimmings. Amazing shop. Friendly and helpful staff. No googly eyes.
So I was forced to resort to ordering them from Amazon. I prefer to support local businesses wherever possible rather than lining the pockets of Jeff Bezos so he can fly his private helicopter to his private jet from his private yacht to jump on his giant phallic private rocket ship like Dr Evil.
Anyway, the googly eyes arrived the next day. £5.79 won't buy that much rocket fuel so the Martians can enjoy their peace and quiet for now.
Ducky has benefited greatly from having massively dilated pupils jiggling away in time with his exertions.
They're even luminescent so you needn't worry about losing him in the darkness. Just look for his little demonic, glowing eyes peeping back at you from under the covers.
I got 100 googly eyes which was the minimum quantity available so if you would like a pair, or 49 pairs, let me know and they're all yours.
The full name of Sucky Ducky is actually Honey Ducky II. Even has a number on the end of his name. Aristocracy, innit?
Sucky Ducky the first lives on in the annals of history thanks to the Wayback Machine.
Delilah Dee has posted a wondrous video review of Sucky Ducky on youtube. I watched the first 10 seconds at 1x speed then changed the playback speed to 1.75x until the final 10 seconds when I turned the playback speed down to 0.25x. Recommended.
For a more practical demonstration of Sucky Ducky's prowess, watch Selena Vega's video on Xvideos.
Honey Ducky 2 is available on the Funzze website.
Follow Funzze on twitter for all your anatidaean cunnilinguistic requirements.
The ducky looks so much better with the googly eyes, I bet the third generation will come with googly eyes pre-installed after Funzze sees your post!